I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
