apparently the secret to your success is patron
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
