At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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