I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just gargled with NyQuil
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
