I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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