I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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