So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
