Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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