Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
