can we get nightvision for the apartment?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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