Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
