I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
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But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
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Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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