I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
