The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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