How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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