I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
