at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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