well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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