i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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