i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
