It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
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If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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