Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
