last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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