I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need a beard to bite.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
