Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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