pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
