He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
