You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
