Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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