i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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