I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
