My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
