just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
