After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
