I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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