It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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