they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
