Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
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