u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
