she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I can't put those talents on a resume
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
