Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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