He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
