This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
