I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
