Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
