she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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