She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
