you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
