im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
