so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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