I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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