dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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