Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
