Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
