She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
