Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hippo gnu deer
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
