Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
