Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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