The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I am available for nakedness
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
