dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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